THE DRINKS PAGE
HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET HOME LAST
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night's
drinking and thought: "How on earth did I get home?" As hard
as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub.
The answer is nothing to do with earthly matters. You used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
night time revellers by Bacchus, god of booze. Bacchus branched out after
the decrease in the worship of the wide selection of Roman gods and bought
a large batch of these magical devices from his boozing buddy Vespa in
(where else?) Italy. A whole fleet was delivered years ago to Chiangmai
and they work as follows:
The potential passenger reaches the level of inebriation at which the
"slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus - or
one of his sub-contractors around here - detects this pheromone and sends
down a winged Beer Scooter. (Elsewhere in the world it's one rider per
Scooter but the Thai models take 5 with space for a puppy in the front
The Scooter scoops up the passenger(s) and deposits them in their bedroom(s)
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion
of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the
second question after a night out: "How did I spend so much money?"
Don't blame that attractive girl who last steered you between the bar stools!
Cautionary note coming up: unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety
record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified
PRICE: 1000 BAHT
JUST LIKE THE REAL THING?
Almost! The Spitfire Mk V111 in RAAF livery (no red to avoid confusion with the enemy by ground gunners), arguably the best looking piston-engined plane ever! Framed in dark Thai timber, each piece is numbered and only 1000 pieces
will ever be produced. Made by Thai craftsmen with care.
Measurement: 24 x 15 x 3.5 cm
PAYMENT CAN BE MADE ONLINE
VISA & MASTER CARD WELCOME
An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out: "What the hell happened?" With good
intent, Bacchus went for the optional extra REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time). This automatically removes, in descending order, those
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately, my particular REMIT is not
necessarily your REMIT, and quite often lost time is embarrassingly regained
the next time you see your drinking buddies.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. See below.
With recent models fitted with GPS (Aussie David the local map-maker
please note), Bacchus made an investment in a Scooter Fast Food Drive Chain
specialising in half eaten kebab and pizza crust take-aways. Another question
For the married man, Beer Scooters come equipped with red roses bought
(with your loose change) from the kids at Thapae Gate and Thump-A-Lot boots
(Patent Pending). These boots are designed so that no matter how quietly
you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in
the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains
the bruised shins. The single man Scooter has mandatory Beer Goggles and
is thus guaranteed to send the rider to a different bedroom every night
and, since there are no laws of liability in Thailand you will NOT find
a list of excuses in that funny cubby-hole thing where the spare spark
plug rattles against the packet of three. (I'm told that single man Scooters
in the USA, where you can be sued for just hammering on the wrong door
of the condo, now pull behind them large chrome-plated Harley-Davidson
type trailers loaded up with enough water-tight excuses to keep even the
most rampant bachelors out of trouble!). The final add-on Bacchus saw fit
to invest in for smokers' Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).
This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro
Lites in a single night. Last and not least, those of you in the freezing
west mustn't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
The Asian models have, as we all know, water scoops to drench you in the
wet season and, in the cool n'dry season, mosquito spray which leaves you
with squashed insects all over your front teeth and eye glasses (if not
lost already). Has a twisted sense of humour, that Bacchus! (With thanks
to fellow Scooterist, Swedish Jimmy!).
Pizza al Taglio, Thai Taste and Bagel Cafe are all neighbours
on 45 street - and all offer something different. Roberto and his wife
offer super-value Italian meals and snacks (and low cost wines), Thai Taste
pleasant late night chat and Bagel Cafe very nice breakfasts etc - with
bagels! Where am I talking about? The little soi running back from John's
Place/Cozy Corner on Moon Muang into Rachamanaka at Smile Guest
House. Tough to describe, and you will write in with 4 others, but
right now it's the only soi I know in town running at a 45 degree angle
to a main drag. "45 Street". Why not?
All you can eat evening buffet?
Still the only one I know (evenings!) - The
Britannia Arms, Anusarn Market, every Thursday - with superb Thai
choices at a total of only 90b per head. Wines from Thailand to
France (300b to 770b) too!
It's from the Trink Page ('Bangkok Post')
by Night Owl: Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw
BUT I DON'T GIVE A CLUCK!
supreme sacrifice which brought lasting freedom
100 years ago, did this brave young Dane save Northern Thailand?
countless other casualties
racing on the mighty Mekong
and the North
Ric Klein learned more about his own city by guiding
CAN JOB SCAM
If you hear someone promoting work in an Alaskan fish
canning factory, tell them to can it! Scammers are "recruiting"
Thais to work a 2 year contract at US$7 per hour. (...).
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