THE DRINKS PAGE

HOW ON EARTH DID YOU GET HOME LAST NIGHT?

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night's drinking and thought: "How on earth did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub. The answer is nothing to do with earthly matters. You used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to night time revellers by Bacchus, god of booze. Bacchus branched out after the decrease in the worship of the wide selection of Roman gods and bought a large batch of these magical devices from his boozing buddy Vespa in (where else?) Italy. A whole fleet was delivered years ago to Chiangmai and they work as follows:

The potential passenger reaches the level of inebriation at which the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus - or one of his sub-contractors around here - detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. (Elsewhere in the world it's one rider per Scooter but the Thai models take 5 with space for a puppy in the front basket).

The Scooter scoops up the passenger(s) and deposits them in their bedroom(s) via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out: "How did I spend so much money?" Don't blame that attractive girl who last steered you between the bar stools! Cautionary note coming up: unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries.

JUST LIKE THE REAL THING? Almost! The Spitfire Mk V111 in RAAF livery (no red to avoid confusion with the enemy by ground gunners), arguably the best looking piston-engined plane ever! Framed in dark Thai timber, each piece is numbered and only 1000 pieces will ever be produced. Made by Thai craftsmen with care. Measurement: 24 x 15 x 3.5 cm email: gmorning@chiangmai-online.com PRICE: 1000 BAHT PAYMENT CAN BE MADE ONLINE VISA & MASTER CARD WELCOME

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out: "What the hell happened?" With good intent, Bacchus went for the optional extra REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time). This automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately, my particular REMIT is not necessarily your REMIT, and quite often lost time is embarrassingly regained the next time you see your drinking buddies.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. See below.

With recent models fitted with GPS (Aussie David the local map-maker please note), Bacchus made an investment in a Scooter Fast Food Drive Chain specialising in half eaten kebab and pizza crust take-aways. Another question answered!!

For the married man, Beer Scooters come equipped with red roses bought (with your loose change) from the kids at Thapae Gate and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed so that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.

Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The single man Scooter has mandatory Beer Goggles and is thus guaranteed to send the rider to a different bedroom every night and, since there are no laws of liability in Thailand you will NOT find a list of excuses in that funny cubby-hole thing where the spare spark plug rattles against the packet of three. (I'm told that single man Scooters in the USA, where you can be sued for just hammering on the wrong door of the condo, now pull behind them large chrome-plated Harley-Davidson type trailers loaded up with enough water-tight excuses to keep even the most rampant bachelors out of trouble!). The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for smokers' Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).

This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lites in a single night. Last and not least, those of you in the freezing west mustn't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt. The Asian models have, as we all know, water scoops to drench you in the wet season and, in the cool n'dry season, mosquito spray which leaves you with squashed insects all over your front teeth and eye glasses (if not lost already). Has a twisted sense of humour, that Bacchus! (With thanks to fellow Scooterist, Swedish Jimmy!).

45 Street?

Pizza al Taglio, Thai Taste and Bagel Cafe are all neighbours on 45 street - and all offer something different. Roberto and his wife offer super-value Italian meals and snacks (and low cost wines), Thai Taste pleasant late night chat and Bagel Cafe very nice breakfasts etc - with bagels! Where am I talking about? The little soi running back from John's Place/Cozy Corner on Moon Muang into Rachamanaka at Smile Guest House. Tough to describe, and you will write in with 4 others, but right now it's the only soi I know in town running at a 45 degree angle to a main drag. "45 Street". Why not?

All you can eat evening buffet?

Still the only one I know (evenings!) - The Britannia Arms, Anusarn Market, every Thursday - with superb Thai choices at a total of only 90b per head. Wines from Thailand to France (300b to 770b) too!

It's from the Trink Page ('Bangkok Post') by Night Owl: Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

BUT I DON'T GIVE A CLUCK!

A supreme sacrifice which brought lasting freedom

100 years ago, did this brave young Dane save Northern Thailand?

Remembering countless other casualties

David Hardy

Boat racing on the mighty Mekong

Riverbank Stone

Chiangmai and the North

My Chiangmai

David Hardy

Chiangmai Pool League

Night Fowl

Reasons to Relax

Ric Klein

Ric Klein learned more about his own city by guiding visitors.

The Drinks Page

Night Fowl

Letters

ALASKAN CAN JOB SCAM

If you hear someone promoting work in an Alaskan fish canning factory, tell them to can it! Scammers are "recruiting" Thais to work a 2 year contract at US$7 per hour. (...).

Click here to subscribe to the printed edition!